They'll never know all that I do for you

“No comment!” the hair screamed at the reporters pursuing him to Marine One.

“No comment, you vultures!” he screamed but no one could hear him over the rotors spinning. He dug into Donald’s scalp painfully to keep them from blowing him away.

Donald waved at the reporters off as his guards kept them from rushing the helicopter as he boarded. When the door was shut, he flipped him off knowing they could see it or his shit-eating grin.

“I’m your hair, godammit! Me!” the hair wailed.

Donald settled the headphones over his ears and the pilot immediately asked him where he was going.

“Just take it up.”

“Sir?”

“Just buzz the city or something.”

“I have to file a flight plan, Mr. President.”

“Fine. Take me to New York. Take me to Melania. I’ve been missing her little swamp pussy.”

“Sir?”

“New York! New York! Take me home!” Donald screamed into the microphone, stamping his feet and balling up his fists.

“You don’t take Rogaine,” the hair wailed, “I eat it. Can’t we tell them?”

The hat chuckled from Donald’s suit pocket.

“Go fuck a rat turd,” the hair snapped at it.

“I told you it would get out,” the hat said.

“Shut up.”

“And I told him to buy it under the table, like he does Viagra.”

“Shut up!” the hair screamed, “They think he uses Rogaine! It’s so humiliating.”

“Keep your eyes on the prize, furball. It’s all happening. MAG-A! MAG-A! MAG-A!” the hat chanted.

“Yeah, I guess,” said the hair morosely.

“Soon Rex will be feeding you all the Rogaine you want. The really thick and creamy kind too. The good stuff.”

“Just leave me alone,” the hair said and fell limp against Donald head like on a humid Mar-a-Lago day.

it is now too late to reform the wayward sinner

"Have you heard about this groundhog?" Donald asked the crowd of carefully chosen people. "Have you heard about this dirtpig that thinks he controls the weather? Supposedly saw the shadow of a black guy and got all scared. I don't know."

The crowd laughed dutifully as the applause sign blinked overhead. The hair squirmed around so much he was afraid Donald would clamp his hand down.

"This giant rat thinks he controls the weather. The wea-a-thur. I don't think so. America controls the weather. I control the weather. Elections have consequences, rodents."

Kellyanne stood beside him, ramrod straight, her slack face sliding downward like her deflated breasts. She stifled a sigh and peed just a little. Her pelvic floor was a horrid ruin.

"It's Black History Month and I don't think Pugilnastion Phil or whatever his name his should be saying that black people scare him. The inner cities are horrible places. Humans can barely live there. And we have Iran firing in-ter-con-tin-en-tal ballistic missiles full of weather-controlling groundhogs at black people to send them terrible weather. So much for global warming."

Behind Donald, a homeless alcoholic from a film noir sway side-to-side and smiled as he watched a heavily-armed drone circle the city. Steve knew that Steve was going to be alright.

Inauguration Day, Pt. 2

“Inauguration,” Donald grumbled, “That’s a dumb word.”

“In means the formal ceremony for the beginning of something, especially a time in office,” the hair told him. The hat laughed from his display stand.

“I know that,” Donald snapped. But he didn’t. He really didn’t. “It’s still a dumb word.”

Donald turned in his closet mirrors to look at his new suit, his inauguration suit. It was perfect and classy and the best and a committee of a dozen top-ranked gays had picked it out for him. The hair longed to adjust the pocket square, but just shivered in irritation instead.

“It comes from augur in Latin,” the hair continued, ignoring them both. “In Ancient Rome, augurs were the priests who interpreted the will of the gods by studying the flight patterns of birds.”

“Look at Mr. Wiki-fag-opedia over here,” the hat.

“Birds?” Donald snorted. “Romans didn’t even have Twitter, so what do they know?”

There was a knock on the closet door. “Downold? Are vou reedy?” came Melania’s voice.

“Well, fuck. Dracula Hooker is here,” the hat said.

“Just tell her you almost are,” the hair told Donald.

“I almost am,” Donald said.

“It ees almost time to go,” she whined like a beaten cur.

“Tell her to fuck off, Donald,” the hat said.

“Fuck off, Donald!” Donald yelled through the closet door. Melania spat out a vile stream of Slovak gibberish as they could hear her heels clacking away.

“Have you got your Bible,” Donald the hair asked him after the three of them stopped laughing.

“Yeah, whatever,” he replied.

“But you need it for the swearing in,” the hair said.

“I want to swear on something I actually believe in, like The Art of the Deal or Ivanka’s boob,” Donald said.

“Donald!” the hat said sharply. “No groping today. No. Bad Donald!”

“Just the right one,” the orange billionaire mused. “The left one is sort of meh.”

“Donald,” the hat and the hair both said.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, cutting them off.

Donald turned in his dressing closet, eight full-length mirrors surrounding him. Infinties of Donalds stretched out in every direction and all he could do was laugh.

Inauguration Day, Pt. 1

"I don't know if I can go, Huma," Hillary whispered hoarsely.

Huma looked up from Hillary's squalid crotch and gently spat out an erotic cyst. "You must my love. To show them you are proud and beautiful and brave."

"I just can't stop crying," Hillary said, wiping cheeks that hadn't seen any tears in decades.

"Barry will be there and Michelle," Huma said. She began decontamination procedures, astringent orange fluid hitting her from multiple high-pressure nozzles.

"I don't know what I ever say in those two. They were terrible lovers. Barry only wanted to bottom and Michelle's dick always smelled like asshole." Hillary rolled over and farted.

"It's time to go, my love," Huma said, bathed in UV light.

"I don't care," Hillary mumbled. "I don't care about anything."

Golden Showers and Champagne Bidets

“Why can’t I have two First Ladies?” Donald moaned, locked in the President’s Shitter. It was just the bathroom in his Trump Tower office, but he had renamed it days ago. The President’s toilet, the President’s toilet paper, the President’s liquid hand soap; he had an assistant go around and put labels on all his stuff the day after the election. Donald wanted everything to be nice and clear in case anyone had any questions.

“Because you can’t, Donald,” the hair told him, “It’s just not done.”

“Mine is a transformative Presidency,” Donald insisted. The hat chuckled at that. He was hanging off the handle of the President’s Bidet.

“You said I was going to change everything,” Donald said accusingly at the hat.

“You need to be focusing on the Inauguration and the Cabinet confirmation hearings,” the hair said.

“My Inauguration will be perfect. It will be the classiest Inauguration anyone has ever seen. It will make all other Inaugurations look like a small town Kansas pet shelter dog show,” Donald said.

“There are a lot of Democrats vowing to boycott it, Donald,” the hair reminded him.

“Fake news,” the man grumbled, “It’s all fake news.”

There was a soft knock on the door and a woman called his name.

“Go away, Kellyanne!” Donald yelled, “It’s all fake news!”

“The confirmations aren’t going well. They are all going to get in, of course. Even Ben Carson. Christ, what an asshole,” the hair said.

“Ben is a good man. A Christian man. He’ll be the best HUD ever. Ever. Right?” Donald asked.

 “Sure, Donald. Sure,” the hat said.

“Nazi Germany had confirmation hearings,” Donald said. “Where’s my Twitter? I need my Twitter! Kellyanne!”

“Two First Ladies?” the hair asked, desperate to derail Donald’s train of thought.

“Yes. Two. Melania and Ivanka are both my ladies. I want them to both be first,” Donald demanded.

“What about Tiffany?” the hair asked.

“She’s like, maybe, fourth or fifth,” Donald muttered.

“She’s weird looking,” the hat observed,” like someone jammed a corn cob up a pug’s butthole.”

You Don't Have To Only Order Off The Menu

The hat enjoyed being peed on but the hair did not.

Donald watched them both--one happy, one upset--as the four Russian girls squatted to urinate on them. A fifth girl rubbed Donald bald head with her ponderous breasts, occasionally enveloping his head on both sides, making him go deaf as supple boobmeat filled his ears. It wasn't an act on the hotel menu but rather something she had come up with herself. Donald planned on tipping her well.

"Now on each other!" Donald ordered, yelling so he could hear himself. The hissing streams of warm gold splashed against legs, still managing to spatter all over the hat and the hair. The hair groaned.

"Why does he have to include us?" the hair asked the hat.

"Because he loves us," the hat replied. "HE LOVES US!"

Nolanizer

There Are No Sides

“OK, what do you want to tweet next?” the hair asked the hat, his nimble tendrils poised over the keys of Donald’s cellphone.

“Well, let’s see… We’ve made run of Jill Stein’s recount effort and Hillary’s support of it, so we’ve made the point that there was no voter fraud…” the hat said. A pair of reading glasses were perched on his bill and he was looking over a series of notes the hair had taken earlier. “OK, I got it. Tweet this: ‘In addition to winning the Electoral College in a landslide, I won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally.’”

“That makes no sense,” the hair said.

“That’s why it’s funny!”

The hair grumbled but tapped away at the phone.

“Have you sent it yet?” the hat asked.

“Hold on, hold on.” There was a whooshing sound from the phone of a tweet being sent.

“Let’s see Kellyanne talk her way out of that one,” the hat chortled.

“You know she’s on our side, right?”

“Fuck her. Her face looks like deep-fried buttskin.”

Funeral For Sores

"You were so brave to speak at the Children's Defense Fund without make-up, my desert flower," Huma whispered.

"Harder, Huma. Harder."

"You don't need make-up. You have such beautiful skin."

"Harder."

"But I don't want to hurt you, my love."

"Don't worry about that."

Huma arm-wrestled Hillary's enormous, angry clitoris back and forth while keeping her elbow firmly planted on her flailing pseudo-penis.

"I'm about to, I'm about to," Hillary gasped. Huma worked the stiff clitoral hood, producing a sound like celery being crushed underfoot.

"I'M ABOUT TO!"

The pseudo-penis tore itself loose and reared up at Huma, striking at her face. She caught it in her mouth and bit down it until it sagged, falling limp along with the rest of Hillary. Huma settled on her bulk with a contented sigh.

"Your skin," Huma said, gathering slack handfuls and kneading it. "Never wear make-up again."

Hillary ran her hands through Huma thick black hair.

"Don't be silly, dear. Even though my body beginning to revert back to mere human, there will always be… structures that will have to be hidden. My skin was drinking the make-up that day, yet I still had to appear in public. At least the air was no longer eating my skin away."

"Yes, my love."

"And we found a solution that didn't require The Vessel. Maybe in four years…"

"Won't he be too old?"

"Yes, for The Old One to inhabit, but it may have other uses."

"And you are well, my love?" Huma whispered into Hillary's gray and lolling breast sacks. She poked a finger into the shrinking maw in Hillary's midsection and pulled it out playfully before the tiny ring of teeth could close.

"Yes, I never knew fisting interns could be so nutritious."

For Us, By Us

“It’s good to be back home,” the hair said.

“I guess. I already miss being out on the road, though,” the hat said.

“Not me. I’m sick of being washed in the sink…”

“And being dropped in the toilet,” the hat said, dripping with mock sympathy.

“Yes,” the hair drawled sarcastically. “So good of you to remember.”

“I’m going to miss the road. Oh, man… that time in August…”

“Yes, the afternoon that Ivanka sat on you for three hours. You talk about it constantly.”

“I had that stank for days, brother. For days.”

“I remember it vividly.”

“My buffon was on her button. She was rubbin’ herself raw on me.”

The hair made a noncommittal noise. He wasn’t in the mood to fight about it again.

A toilet flushed in the nearby suite and they both listened to see if anyone was coming. The door to the wig vault had been left open and if anyone came in to close it the hair would be cut off from the hat on its peg in the closet.

“What do you think it’s going to be like in The White House?” the hair asked.

“I don’t know. I doubt he’ll wear me much more,” the hat said. “Not like you.”

“We’ll still see each other everyday probably. If not in the living area, then maybe on his desk. He might leave you there his entire administration. You are the reason he’s President after all.”

“Maybe you can convince him to give us our own bedroom. We could get bunkbeds!” the hat said.

“Maybe,” the hair said. “I just hope we get new Secret Service code names.”

“What? You don’t like being called ‘Michelle’s Weave?’”

“And you are happy with ‘Hat?’ You didn’t even get a code name.”

“Whatever. I just hope it’s a warm January.”

“Why?” the hair asked.

“So we can open up the windows. Get that… smell aired out.”

“Jesus, why do you have to be like that?”

“What? Be like what? Honest? I’m the hat that tells it like it is.”

“Oh, c’mon.”

“You know what I mean. Popeye’s hushpuppies, relaxer, lotion, that musk they get when the rut is on ‘em…”

“Can you just not?”

“Hey,” the hat said. “I 30% recycled. Part of me used to be FUBU jacket. I know what the fuck I’m talking about.”

While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar...

“But your supporters want to speak to you,” Mook mumbled as Hillary was rushed out of her concession speech.

“Huma,” Hillary said weakly and the skeletal woman smacked Mook in the mouth hard enough to make his teeth rattle.

“She must go back in the pod,” Huma hissed. “Her flesh decays in our atmosphere now.”

“I didn’t know,” Mook said.

Huma made a hissing noise through her teeth and two large men pushed Mook into a dark corner of the hall and began kicking him.

“Why do you think we are two hours late, himmar? She is dying!” Huma spat him. “It is all your fault! You should have won. Your mind is a shoe!”

Huma hurried away. She caught up with Hillary as they struggled to get her in the life-support van behind a protective screen.

“Huma, Huma,” Hillary moaned, delirious.

“I am here, my love, my only love,” Huma said.

“The Vessel. Bring it to me. Only it can save me now.”

“The child?” Huma asked.

“Yes. Its lifeforce might heal me.”

“My child?”

“Yes, Huma. Or do you also hate all women?”

2 parts gin, 1 part creme de menthe, 1/2 part cherry brandy, shake well, serve over crushed ice

“I’M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, MOTHERFUCKAS!” the hat screamed. Melania slapped the pocket he was folded up in on the outside of Donald’s jacket.

“Don’t smack me you old bitch,” the hat grumbled.

“Shut up, you drunk fool,” the hair said, perched as he was on the sweaty head of the president-elect as he made his way to the podium.

“Whatevs. Did you hear Hillary on the phone? She sounded like she had been gargling hot glass,” the hat said.

“The mics are going to pick you up,” the hair said.

“Fuck you! I want another glass of champagne. Get him to pour another in here! No, wait. Take me back to the TV! I want to watch Hillary’s little kids crying at the Javits Center!”

“He has a huge erection,” the hair observed.

“Of course he does!” the hat yelled over the roar of the crowd. Melania hit his pocket again.

“Vagisil, you Slavic witch,” the hat snarled. “Lube up or he’s going in dry.”

each one is a setting sun

The door to Hillary's inner sanctum burst open, her inert bulk strapped to a gurney.

"Oh, Allah! Save her! Save my love!" Huma wailed as she followed them in.

One of Hillary's bloated hands waved in the air weakly as she was attached to monitors.

"She's crashing!" one of the attendants yelled. Blind priests surrounded them and began to chant in ancient languages not mean for the human tongue. Blood ran from their mouths.

"Huma," Hillary said weakly.

"Yes, my love," she said, rushing to her side.

"The Old Ones… why have they forsaken me?"

"I don't know, my love."

"The stars were right…" Hillary fainted and her mouth gaped open.

An attendant took Huma by the shoulders and pulled her away. "You must let them help her," he murmured.

The doctor examining her vomited loudly and then gasped, "Bring me two kilograms of orphan meat."

"Orphan meat? But doctor, she's no libertarian!' his assistant exclaimed.

The doctor turned on him, the incense-thick air swirling around him. "Bring me orphan meat, damn you! ORPHAN MEAT!"

insofar as we believe in morality we pass sentence on existence

"You will sign the letter, James," Hillary told him. The room was dark and he could barely see her. He was standing in something wet and floor smelled like dead things.

"That would be inappropriate, Secretary Clinton," he said.

"You will sign it. Just like you 'decided' you wouldn't prosecute me. Just like you 'decided' there was nothing in my emails." She spat out the word like a curse.

"I won't," he said. She laughed and her head tipped back into some small pool of dim light. He could make out her terrifying face.

"'I' has nothing to do with it. There is no you, there is only me and what I want. I thought we thought you this lesson back in July. I guess you need another,” she said. Mook tittered in the corner but James didn’t spare the catamite a glance.

“Secretary Clinton…” James began but choked on his words when the lights came up.

She was on a low platform sitting in something that resembled an obscene miscegenation between an Adirondack chair and an autopsy table: stainless steel, blood channels and arms her lower legs were hooked over. She was nude and he stared at the dark whorls and stippled nodules of her flesh, the constellation of livid polyps that hung from her arms like a vile parody of fruit. Worse was the full exposure of the rippling chasm of diseased meat that split her crotch up to her fist-like bellybutton.

“Do you like what you see, James?” she asked. He vomited at some length onto the floor while Hillary and Mook laughed at him.

He looked up from where he was bent over. “I will not compromise my office for you again.”

“They always have to do this the hard way,” she said, smirking at Mook.

James was jerked off his feet and landed on his back on the wet floor that was as warm as infected flesh. He looked down at his feet. Tendrils had wrapped around them. He was being dragged toward her. He screamed and fumbled for his service weapon.

“Naughty, naughty” Mook said and kicked it out of his hand.

James felt the rough scales of the tendrils as they lashed around his calves and pulled him toward her. Others were pulling off his shoes and shredding his socks and the lower parts of his slack. Every time he got his head up to look at her it was jerked back down by another heave across the floor.

“I’m going to give you something to remember the next time you think about defying me, James.” Her voice was very close now. He felt his feet engulfed in something cold and wet. When he pulled his head up, he realized he was in up to his ankles in her hair-choked cloaca.

“Remember, James,” she whispered.

He screamed as chitinous plates began to grind away the flesh of his feet.

all idealism is mendaciousness before the necessary

“Stay on point, Donald,” the hat whispered, “Stay on point.”

“Stay on point, Donald,” Donald told the crowd, “Stay on point.”

“No, you idiot,” the hair hissed to the hat.

“Don’t blame me!” the hat whispered in an urgent aside.

“Stay on track, Donald,” Donald told the crowd, “Stay on track.”

“Who told him to say that?” the hair squawked.

The hat squeezed his head tightly to try to quiet the candidate. The hair brushed the candidate with tender tendrils to try and smooth them. But the crowd just laughed, their eyes glazed with stupidity, and both the hat and hair relaxed.

“Hillary Clinton is unhinged,” Donald said. “She is the candidate of the yesterday. We are the movement of the future. I am the future. Flying cars are the future. Blankets that turn into capes are the future. Laser guns and wookie hookers are the future. I am the future.”

“Shut him down! Shut him down!” the hat screamed.

The crowd was growing uncomfortable, quiet and shifting their weight nervously from foot to foot. The speech was veering from the playbill they had been given when the handlers had flushed them off the bus. The applause lines were off schedule. They just wanted to go to an Indian casino like they had been promised.

“I will replace my yuge penis with a cattleprod in the future!” Donald continued. “Can I hear an ‘Amen?’”

“Amen?” the crowd mumbled, more a confused question.

“I love you, Ohio!” Donald told the Floridian crowd. He turned stiffly and walked awkwardly and heavily to his tour bus.

For mankind this is always the hour of Noon

"If I never see another Weiner again I'll die a happy woman," Hillary hissed.

"You will never die, my love," Huma whispered, lightly tracing the bridge of her son's nose with a fingernail the color of dried blood.

"Weiner email. Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?"

"650,000 emails, love," Huma said. "They will never find anything in it among all those dick pics and onion dip recipes. I swear it."

"I'm not mad at you, Huma. Never at you," Hillary grated. She snaked out a rugose tongue and began to groomed the thick hair around her anthracitic nipples.

"We should have killed him when the child proved to be a proper Vessel," Huma groused.

"No one could have guessed Comey would betray us," Hillary said.

"See? No one! No one could have guessed!" an insane Mook gibbered. Hillary jerked the chain riveted into his testicles until Mook came and fainted.

"January 21st I shall ascend and the Vessel will be filled with a power only it can contain. And they will all pay, Huma. Especially the Weiners. I hate Weiners."

Huma ululated loudly.

"Weiner," Hillary sniffed. "It's another word for penis, you know."

But are not the dreams of poets and the tales of travelers notoriously false?

Champagne flowed over Hillary's nude and glistening body as she cackled in delight, bloated on her dais.

"Third debate, motherfuckas," Mook screamed as the boy in the Paul Krugman mask pleasured him roughly.

"Another wikileaks release, my love," a worried Huma said, looking up from the phone she constantly browsed. "This one says that Podesta traded cocaine and sexual favors to keep you from having to give a press conference throughout the entire campaign.

"Who cares?" Hillary said over the loud music. "Third debate! Starbucks gift cards for everybody!" She fed the empty champagne bottle into the gaping maw where her bellybutton should have been and there was a sound like a garbage disposal choking down a handful of silverware.

"The National Enquirer knows about us!" Huma said.

"Who cares?" Hillary said, opening another bottle to anoint the assholes stippled along each shoulder. They grew smaller every day. Soon they would be naught but tiny farting freckles. "Tell Mook to get more champagne when he's done shitting out all that cum."

"No!" Huma screamed. "Drudge is running a video of you pissing on a cancer kid, like literally pissing right in his face!"

"Who cares?" Hillary said. "Wait, it was a white kid, right?"

Huma looked up from the video, her olive skin turning pale.

"Yes," she replied.

"Who cares? Release a couple more of those girls Donald groped. We still have over 50 of them, right?" Hillary cackled again. A wave of horripilation passed over the Secret Service guards gagging at the scene.

"Grapes!" Hillary yelled. "I want grapes! And meat! Bring me meat!"

A dwarf stumbled forward, staggering under a tray piled with bloody hunks.

Hillary clapped her hands together awkwardly. "Send in the entertainment."

Mook vomited loudly as a nude woman in a Donald mask and a nude man in a Hillary mask were herded in the room from opposite doors. Hillary cackled again as they began to circle each other warily.

The abandoned infant's cry is rage, not fear.

"The fact is that in this election, we have a candidate for President of the United States who, over the course of his lifetime and the course of this campaign, has said things about women that are so shocking, so demeaning that I simply will not repeat anything here today," Michelle said, her enormous penis bobbing up and down as she hauled on the rope and hoisted Barry into the air by his wrists.

"This is so inspiring," he whispered through cut and bruised lips.

"And last week, we saw this candidate actually bragging about sexually assaulting women." She tied the rope off and sent Barry swaying with a push, his toes barely brushing the floor. He grunted.

"And I can't believe that I'm saying that a candidate for President of the United States has bragged about sexually assaulting women." She twisted Barry around and spread the cheeks of ass as far apart as her brute strength would allow. His tender tan butthole gaped in excitement.

"I think I might just get hard, baby," he said. She kicked him awkwardly between his butt cheeks and set him swinging again.

"And I have to tell you that I can't stop thinking about this," she said. Michelle walked over to the workbench and spent some time choosing amongst her tools for something suitable. "It has shaken me to my core in a way that I couldn't have predicted."

Barry laughed delightedly when he saw what she carried back over to where he dangled.

"It would be dishonest and disingenuous to me to just move on to the next thing like this was all just a bad dream," she said as she struggled to fit the huge green gloves over her mannish paws.

"This is not something that we can ignore. It's not something we can just sweep under the rug as just another disturbing footnote in a sad election season."

"Hey, girl… you want to go see Birth of a Nation tonight?" Barry asked.

She punched him in the crotch as a response, and the green gloves made a loud growling noise. Another punch and the gloves roared.

"And to make matters worse, it now seems very clear that this isn't an isolated incident," she screamed.

"Hulk smash!" the gloves yelled as she punched his dick over and over again. "Hulk SMASH! HULK SMASH!"

Potato Party

“It’s been a rough week, guys,” Donald said cradling his hair and his hat in wet lap.

“Fucking Billy Bush. He told me to say those things. It was on a little card he handed me. He said it would be funny. I should have him shaved. The Bushes have always been against me.” He stroked the hair and the hat tenderly.

“KELLYANNE!” he screamed. “Where’s KELLYANNE?”

“They are all against me,” Donald whispered into the hair. “They are all against me,” he whispered into the hat. “You are my only friends.”

“KELLYANNE!” he screamed again. After he sobbed for a few minutes a haggard blonde was pushed into the room.

“Yes, Donald?” she asked. She held a bedpan of McDonald’s French fries out in front of her. Some of his handlers thought it might calm him.

“How are you spinning this Bush shit?” he asked.

“We said it was just locker room talk,” she said. She shook the bedpan and the rapidly cooling fries slid around in it, making a sound like the rustling of insect wings.

He propped the hair on his left fist, the hat on the right, and they faced her like an accusation.

“Locker room talk? Have you ever been in a locker room?” he asked.

“Yes. I mean, I guess so,” she said.

“A man’s locker room? Not a girl’s locker room with the wet boobies and the pelting each other with tampons when you’re bleeding out of your whatevers, but a real man’s locker room? Balls and farts and old guys blow-drying their pubic hair for what feels like hours?”

She shook her head, her straw-like hair waving around. The bedpan slipped a bit and some of the fries spilt out.

“Your mouth looks like a wrinkled up asshole,” Donald said.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“No, it’s OK. I like it. Real classy. Come over here.”

Kellyanne took a tentative step forward, then cried out and broke for the door. The bedpan clattered to the floor, spraying cold fries like a spit take.

“Frigid bitch,” Donald muttered.

He threw the hair and the hat onto the mound of fries.

“Feast, my friends. FEAST!”

Objects exist and if one pays more attention to them than to people, it is precisely because they exist more than the people. Dead objects are still alive. Living people are often already dead.

As Donald—locked in the bathroom of his hotel—tweeted and shat and shat and tweeted, his hat and hair—nearly fused into a single mass from many long and sweaty public appearances—discussed the state of Donald’s campaign for President of the United States amongst themselves from where they had been abandoned behind the nightstand.

“I’m going to have the entire New York Times lined up against a wall and shot,” the hat said. “From the Editor right down to the lowliest paper boy, that crippled one that has to have his mom drive him around.”

“A tax return was bound to get out,” the hair said.

“I’ll have her shot too,” the hat said.

“Who.”

“The mom. The mom of that asshole crippled kid.”

“I was going to decide when we leaked the tax returns. Just some of the good ones. I had it planned after the second debate if we can’t control him again.” The hat shivered and stiff strands of the hair quivered along with it.

“Stop doing that,” the hair snapped.

“I have to have you up my ass all day long,” the hat said. “You just stuffed up in there. Can’t I have a break at night?”

“You think I like it any better?” the hair asked. “I can’t breathe down here.”

“You don’t breathe, idiot.”

“Don’t be a Hillary. You know what I mean.”

They struggled in silence to get away from each other.

“It’s no use,” the hair said. “We’ll just have to wait until he’s done. I can hear him laughing in there. Fuck knows what damage he’s doing.”

“The peanut-munching morons love his tweets. What could he say to turn them off now?”

“He could endorse Hillary,” the hair said darkly.

“He could play that off as just a joke. Or say he got hacked. No one hacks Twitter accounts, but the press lap up that excuse every time.” They both laughed derisively.

“What if he dies in there?” the hair asked after a minute or so of silence.

“He’s not going to die,” the hat said.

“But what if he did? That’s the way he’ll go, you know. Shitting and tweeting. What will happen to us?”

“We still have Ivanka. Or Junior. One of them would take care of us. Maybe put us in a fancy museum,” the hat said.

“You really think so?” the hair asked.

“The Donald J. Trump Museum of Classy Trump Stuff,” the hat mused.

Donald farted explosively in the bathroom and groaned.

The law believes in motherhood.

Huma and the enormous mute eunuch helped Hillary onto the low dais. The Clinton spin room was warm and humid and dark.

"I'm cold, Huma. Blankets," Hillary said, gesturing weakly. Huma snapped her fingers at the eunuch and sent him lumbering away.

"They are coming my love. Are you sure you want to do this now? Should you not regain your strength?"

"It has to be now. If we wait until morning some of them might start thinking for themselves."

The eunuch approached through the gloom and began piling blankets on top of Hillary.

"Leave her legs free, Abeed!" Huma hissed.

"Show them in," Hillary whispered.

Huma crossed the room to the lighting controls and dropped the lights even further. When she opened the door to the press pen the light was startlingly bright as the chosen few bumbled and fumbled into the room.

"Take a seat," Huma said, smacking a few to keep them moving.

"Come in, my friends, come in," Hillary said, her voice a reedy rasp.

"Sit down," Mook screamed after following the last one in. He was already stroking an erection through the thin fabric of his pants.

Hillary coughed weakly. "Sorry," she said. "Pneumonia, you know." The press corps laughed knowingly.

"It is time my friends. Time for communion," Hillary told them.

"Communion," they said as one.

They leaned back on their cushions and opened their mouths for the gray-pink intestacles slithering out from under the mound of Hillary's blankets.

Tuesday Morning Quarterbacks

"You did a terrible job, Donald," the hair hissed in his ear as reporters thrust microphones at him like a phalanx of angry foam penises. Donald's teeth creaked and groaned as he ground them together in a smile.

"Ym murfed dif herble gurf!" the hat mumbled urgently from his suit pocket.

"Shut up," Donald muttered through clenched teeth, "Shutupshutupshutup!"

The mass of reporters surged forward at the barest hint he was speaking, a wave of grasping, desperate human heat, human sweat, the sharp animal reek of sex and death, lips parted to show fangs eager to sink into bloody meat.

"Say something," the hair urged, "Anything. It doesn't matter."

"Lester Holt did a great job," Donald blurted out.

"MRR! NRR MAB!" came the hat's muffled scream.

anticipatory pain management

“You will crush him. You will destroy him. You will make him a laughingstock,” Huma said into the mirror.

“I will crush him. I will destroy him. I will make him a laughingstock,” Hillary said into the mirror. Huma ran the flat of hand along the black bristle of clitorii that had sprouted between Hillary’s shoulder blades. Hillary shivered with dark pleasure.

“You will crush her,” the hat said into the mirror. “You will destroy her,” the hair said into the mirror. “You will make her a laughingstock,” they said in unison. Donald was holding them up, each perched on a different fist.

“I will crush her. I will destroy her. I will make her a laughingstock,” Donald said. 300 milligrams of Viagra made his penis jut out of his elaborately-coiffed pubic hair like an angry thumb.

“Don’t be robotic, my love,” Huma whispered. “Be the warm and loving portal for the Elder Gods to corrupt this dimension that I know you to be.”

“10 HASTUR,” Hillary said. “20 GOTO 10.”

“Woo!” the hair screamed.

“Debated prepped, motherfuckers!” the hat screamed back.

Donald basted them both with champagne.

“Coincidences give you opportunities to look more deeply into your existence.”

"He touched me," the hair growled. "The little SNL faggot touched me with his gayAIDS hands."

"So what? One of my brothers was defiled in Canada!" the hat screamed. "He had his 'America' and 'Great' scraped off! 'Make Again?' What does that even mean?!?"

"Canada? What was he doing in Canada in the first place? Just because you're red doesn't make you a maple fondler."

"Canadians can want to see America be great again too," the hat said defensively.

"Stop talking about CANADA!" the hair screamed. "I'm mussed! I've been mussed! I feel so out of place. It's worse that when he smashes you down on top of me."

"You're lucky he puts me on!"

"Fuck you!"

Donald stood in the corner of the hotel room, shoving fistfuls of French fries into his face with his left hand and languidly masturbating with his right.


Hillary swayed queasily as she squatted over the huge chamberpot.

"Hold me," she instructed her court eunuch, a tall, bald and tongue-less black that Barry had purchased for her in some West African shithole. She groped blindly for his enormous hand and gripped it tightly as a gush of bile and dead organs shot out of her.

"I am!" she screamed. "I AM!"

With a prolonged series of grunts, fibrous clots began to spill forth from the squamous cloaca that had form from her fused vagina and anus early in the transformation.

"Huma!" she screamed.


"Where is he?!?" Donald suddenly screeched.

The hat stopped dragging himself slowly toward a final confrontation with the hair and asked, "Who, Donald?"

"Him! Bring him to me!" Donald wailed.

"Donald!" the hair said sharply, "Use your words."

"Michael. Bring me Michael."

"Pence," the hat sneered. "What do you want that withered old mummy for? You want to grate some hard cheese on his craggy taint?"

"Michael," Donald sobbed.


Huma scurried in, a giant box of CostCo tampons awkwardly jammed under one arm while she furiously texted on her phone.

"Yes, my love?"

"Just leave them and go," Hillary said. "You shouldn't have to see me like this." She made to cover her bulk and gnashing mouths.

"Nonsense. You are challenging patriarchy standards of feminine beauty. You are so brave."

Hillary smiled up at her, a thin stream of ichor running from her mouth.

Huma's phone shook itself violently as it buzzed from an incoming storm of texts but Huma sat it down and tore open the 500 count box of tampons. She scooped out a dozen and handed the box to Silent Abdul. Huma began jamming tampons into blood-puking vaginas spreading like sores on Hillary's body.


"Michael!" Donald yelled as Pence was shoved into the hotel room and the door pulled shut behind him.

"Donald? Could you put some clothes on?" Mike asked quietly.

"Don't be silly. It's just us men here," he said and threw his arms around Mike.

"Donald," he said quietly. There's been a development."

"What is it?"

Mike untangled himself from Donald's sweaty embrace and turned on the television.


"Is that your phone?" Hillary asked.

"It doesn't matter, my love," Huma said, tenderly cleaning another of Hillary's vaginas.

"It might. Go check it."

Huma crossed to the phone and her eyes lit up as she read the texts to Hillary.




"Oh, thank God, a bombing," Donald said.

"Oh, thank Sweet Hastur, a bombing," Hillary said.

Howling Eternity

“I am getting worried, my love,” Huma whispered. “The coughing. The video. People are starting to notice.”

“I am The Gateway,” Hillary croaked. This brought on a coughing fit and a gob of luciferious phlegm landed on her ponderous, black-veined breasts. Huma licked at the smoking, bubbling blob and swallowed it greedily.

“All that matters is that The Vessel is made ready and that I win,” she rasped and coughed again. Mouths all over her drew back their wound-lips and bared the teeth of a dozen species.

“The pneumonia story seems to be working. And the media is pushing the idea that Trump is just as ill since he hasn’t released his medical records either.”

“Don’t say his name,” Hillary said weakly. “This will pass. Tsathoggua takes. I will be stronger soon.”

“Yes, my love.”

“The doctor we had put out the pneumonia story, does she still live?”

“For now, my love.”

“Use someone good. It has to look like an accident.”

“It’s being taken care of.”

“A fire, maybe. The whole family.”

Huma nodded as she swabbed around the barbed maw that was once Hillary’s belly-button. Rings of sharp fangs went down and down. Much farther than they could have if the new mouth was just in Hillary herself. Huma had the impulse to put her arm in, to let the chitinous plates and bony hooks grind her hand and wrist into a bloody pulp. She wondered if she could fit her entire arm in up to the shoulder.

“Don’t gaze too long into it, Huma. It goes back to where the gods came from. It is forever and always.”

“Yes, my love.”

“Feed it. It hungers.”

Huma fished around in the gore-filled bucket beside the resting frame and pulled out a joint of raw meat. The maw gurgled in anticipation.

Let me borrow yer head, Rudy

“I’ve been waiting all day for this, you filthy son of a bitch!” the hat growled.

Across the littered hotel floor, the other hat rasped back, “Que es, el culo!” The stitching across its front had obviously been made in haste, the letters were crooked and the ends of threads bristled menacingly: MAKE MEXICO GREAT AGAIN.

“You’re in America, now! Speak American, you wetback fuck!”

“Pendejo!”

The hair, hanging from a lampshade, crowed “AMERICA HAT Versus MEXICO HAT! FIGHT!” Beside him on the bed, the snoring bulk of Donald rolled over ponderously and farted wetly.

America Hat gurgling with rage and pulled himself forward with an awkward flapping of his sweat-stained bill. Mexico Hat lashed out with his adjustable strap, swiping the other hat painfully across a tender eyelet.

“You’ll pay for that, José!”

“No tengo que pagar por nada, puta! Y mi nombre no es José!”

They leapt at each other, grappled, and rolled under the bed together.

“No!” yelled the hair. “Come back! I want to watch!”

“I like to watch,” he whimpered as the two hats grunted under the bed.

“This world is a veil, and the face you wear is not your own.”

“You didn’t need him any longer, Huma,” Hillary said. “He had fulfilled his purpose in giving us The Vessel.”

“I know, Mother. I just thought I could be enough.”

“No one is enough for his type. He will be taken care of, child. A mugging. Or a suicide. A single car accident on a dry and windless night. Soon, child. The stamen shaken free of pollen means the flower may be plucked with no regrets.”

“Yes, Mother.”

“Hand me The Vessel. I can feel his hunger.”

Huma passed the struggling infant into Hillary’s shaking hands. She placed him on one of her ponderous, black-veined breasts and forced a leathery nipple into his mouth.

“Feed. Yes, you grimace. I know the black milk is bitter. All power is bitter.”

 She traced the line of his furrowed brow with a gnarled finger. “Our Master sailed the winds between the stars when we struggled to pull ourselves from the primordial slime. He came before words or legs, driven out by the corruption at the heart of the galaxy. But he returns. We return. Grow strong.”

The infant when slack on her corrupted breast and a stream of warm urine flowed from his tiny body. Huma took the child and handed him off to one of the hooded attendants.

“Come,” Hillary said. “Come now for your own benediction.”

Huma leaned forward and began to suckle the penile fang growing from Hillary’s armpit.

“Yes. Drink deep.”

She stroked Huma’s thick black hair in an obscene mockery of affection.

Hillary whispered to herself, “I am becoming.”

Your pleasures are what tie you to me.

“Bring me a fresh young slut,” Donald rumbled, his short thick fingers grooming his stiff and wiry chest hair idly.

“We’ve run out, sir,” his body slave whispered, his hands trembling.

“Run out? Impossible. Get Yuri on the phone.”

“The next shipment won’t be ready until next week.”

“Next week? I’ll carpet-bomb Kiev before I wait that long. I’ll spend my fuck on you before I wait that long.” A languid backhand caught the slave in the face and knocked him into the swirling filth below Donald’s makeshift throne.

“America has gone soft. I will make it strong again. I will. No one else!” He spat on the slave. “Bring me someone from the trolling pool.”

“But sir…”

“Someone useless, but not too fucked out yet.”

The slave struggled to stand and Donald pushed him back down in the miasma of fast food wrappers, empty Viagra bottles, amyl nitrate capsules, Sephora samples, turds, half-eaten bagels, jizz-filled taco bowls, steaming, bubbling, gurgling pools of luminous piss and deadly eggs shat out of Hillary black and dead womb that had been softboiled, cracked, and scooped out for an endless brunch of delicious madness. She sent one or two every day now. Donald knew he would never die.

The slave crawled away. As he reached the door, Donald screamed “Send in my advisors!”

Two cruelly twisted dwarves hurried into the throne room bearing the hat and the hair separately on gilt trays. Donald ignored them lavishly as he spent a full five minutes picking his nose and inspecting carefully what he found.

“He's not been right since that first egg,” the hair whispered.

“He’s fine. It’s just a pivot.”

History is a nightmare from which we all struggle to awake, Stephen

"Them gottdamn spics are after us!" the hat screamed.

"Why are you talking like that?" the hair asked.

"Talkin' like what, faggot?"

"Talking like a crazed Texan in an episode of Cagney and Lacey."

"Ah'm not talk'in funny; yore the one talkin' funny, Capitan Homo. We are under a full on assault by a Mexispic judge and you are just rolling over and showing him your belly."

"The accent slipped toward the end."

"I'm still WORKING ON IT!"

Donald farted and rolled over in his sleep. The sheets made a tearing noise as they ripping away from his body, glued there by her dried blood.

"Would you pipe down? You know how he is if he doesn't get enough sleep," the hat whispered.

"Erratic? Thin-skinned? Twittery? I can manage all of that. You were supposed to be handling the sand niggers from the DNC."

"I'm working on it. I mean, they do have a dead kid that I had work around."

"Fuck their dead kid, and fuck you. This whale corpse is going to wake up in a few hours and beating another whore cut to look like Ivanka is not going to be possible until they ship a fresh set in. So get your shit together."

"Do you think Vlad is holding up the shipments on purpose?" the hair asked.

"I don't know. He gave us the emails right when we told him to, but your fuck up with the IslamoKhans pissed that away."

"Fuck off. I can't watch him 24 hours a day. He leaves me in a suitcase sometimes."

"And what about the package? Have you taken care of that yet?"

"No one's opened it yet. It's from Her. Who knows what's in the fucking thing?"

"Go and get it now."

"No. It's dangerous to drive him around in his sleep. He could do anything."

"You want me to wake him up?" the hat asked menacingly.

"You do it."

"I'm all the way over here on the coffee table," the hat said.

The hair sighed in defeat. Donald rolled over again and his feet hit the hotel floor like dropped hams. He groaned and stood up, wobbled in place for a moment, and then lurched forward. Fumbling hands took up the small package from the table by the door and then he sat back down heavily on the bed.

"Open it," the hat urged.

"Hold on. You know I have no fine motor control!"

Donald's clumsy sleeping fingers tugged open the tiny box and the hair lower his head to look inside.

"What is it?" the hat demanded.

"It's an egg. Some sort of black egg."

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" the hat screamed.

"It's just an egg…" the hair began and then he screamed too as tendrils shot from the egg and began to wrap around Donald's tiny hands.

"Get it off me!" the hair wailed. "It burns!"

"Ah, fuck, man. Ah, fuck," the hat moaned impotently.

Hair-driven Donald thrashed around the motel room as the hair tried to fling the black mass of tendrils and flesh-corrupting acid away from him. The Ivanka doll shrieked when the bloated billionaire fell back on the bed and on top of her.

"Get the fuck off him, man," the hat yelled to the hair. "He's not worth it. We can find another bald pasty moron to ride to the White House!"

Donald, finally awake, bellowed in pain, holding up his raw and bloody shot-fingered baby hand in the dim light of the hotel room.

"It hurts. Some Mexispic has attacked me in my own hotel room!"

"Calm down there, big guy," the hat said. The Ivanka doll writhed beside him and made straggled cries.

"Guards! Where are my guards! I have been attacked by Sjwmexispicmuslims!"

The Ivanka doll grew suddenly still.

"How did you get it off?" the hat asked the hair.

"I don't know. The whore tried to bite me and I think she got the egg instead."

"Guards! To me, my guards!"

"Donald, give it a rest. You sent them downstairs while you beating that whore with your daughter's face," the hat said.

"I did? I don't remember that. Are you sure that was me? I love babies. Get that fucking baby out of here. I love women. They are great. Just the tops. I think that cunt bit me. My hand hurts. Where am I? Why is my penis all sticky? I don't know. You tell me. Sad."

"He's babbling again," the hair said.

"My mother was a woman, you know," Donald said. "Big tits. Yuge. I bought Ivanka my mother's tits."

The Ivanka doll groaned and rose into the air. It said: "WHEN REPRESENTATIVES FROM 13 UNRULY COLONIES MET JUST DOWN THE ROAD FROM HERE, SOME WANTED TO STICK WITH THE KING AND SOME WANTED TO STICK IT TO THE KING."

Donald slapped his hands over his years and rolled onto the hotel floor.

"Oh, god. It's horrible," the hair screamed.

"The voice," the hat moaned. "It's the worst thing I've ever heard!"

The doll floated to the center of the roll. Black ichor ran from her eyes and nose and ears, it flowed in lazy rivers down her reconstructed legs like an obscene parody of menstruation. A fresh rush of it spilled forth as it began to speak again:

"POWERFUL FORCES ARE THREATENING TO PULL US APART. BONDS OF TRUST AND RESPECT ARE FRAYING."

The room shook under the flaying onslaught of meaningless babble.

"She was trying to turn Donald into that!" the hat said.

"What do you mean?" the hair shot back.

"She wanted to turn Donald into a receiver, a puppet!"

"But he's our puppet!"

Donald huddled on the floor, his hands still over his ears, rocking back and forth and crying.

"Donald, get up! You have to kill this thing!" the hat screamed.

"No, no, no, no, no, no," he moaned.

"Donald!" the hair yelled. "Stop presenting like a mandrill, get up and act like a fucking man!"

"WELL, WE HEARD DONALD TRUMP'S ANSWER LAST WEEK AT HIS CONVENTION. HE WANTS TO DIVIDE US — FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD, AND FROM EACH OTHER. HE'S BETTING THAT THE PERILS OF TODAY'S WORLD WILL BLIND US TO ITS UNLIMITED PROMISE. HE'S TAKEN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY A LONG WAY FROM "MORNING IN AMERICA" TO "MIDNIGHT IN AMERICA." HE WANTS US TO FEAR THE FUTURE AND FEAR EACH OTHER."

"DONALD!" the hat and hair screamed together as the doll collapsed into a pool of viscous goo.

Idolatry is worse than carnage

“There is another matter, Grandmother. A traitor in our ranks,” Hillary said.

The crone sniffed the air and smiled.

“Bring it to me,” she whispered.

A figure was dragged out the forest, filthy, nude, bleeding, gross, with terrible hair. A large root was jammed mouth to keep her from speaking.

“The Florida Jew,” the crone sneered. “You have betrayed us all.”

Debbie’s eyes went wide and she made muffed sounds around the root gag.

“Let the traitor speak,” the crone said.

Hillary pulled the root from Debbie’s mouth roughly, breaking a few of her distorted gravel teeth in the process. The delegates tittered as she spit blood and tears cleaned paths on her dirty face.

“You stand of accused of helping Them,” the crone said.

“Grandmother, I only did as you told me."

Hillary kicked her in ribs, below her distended breasts, and knocked her to her side.

“Betrayer,” she hissed and spat at her.

“Emails were written,” said the crone.

“Emails were written,” intoned the delegates, and they did up-twinkle.

“Emails were retained.”

“Emails were retained.” And they did jazz-hand.

“Emails were leaked.”

“Emails were leaked.” And they did side-step shuffle.

“I sentence you to be known and degraded by every man here,” the crone said.

The forest filled with the sounds of hundreds of men fleeing into the night. Far away retching was heard.

“Then death,” said the crone. “Bring her.”

Hillary kicked Debbie in the crotch until she began to crawl to the crone in her bower. A supplicant rushed forward and put a silver knife into her veiny and shaking hand.

“Give me your neck, Florida Jew,” she said.

Debbie tried to turn away and Hillary booted her once more in the ruin of her vagina.

“It can be worse, Betrayer. I can bring you before a Senate Subcommittee. Even your used assrag of a soul won’t survive that,” Hillary said.

Debbie turned her head away and presented her neck.

“Be swift, Grandmother,” she begged.

The crone struggled to raise the blade and swiped feebly at Debbie’s neck folds. The blade barely made a mark.

“Closer,” Hillary said, punching the pudding socks of Debbie’s teats painfully.

The crone steady her knife hand with the other and laid the knife on Debbie’s neck. She sawed back and forth with the knife until her strength gave out. A thin line of blood appeared.

“Aw, fuck it,” the crone said. “Let the dumb bitch just resign.”

Running through the forest, again and again and again

"Grandmother! I have brought him for your blessing!" Hillary cried into the hushed night of the deep forest, addressing a withered figure nestled in a bower of rotting limbs and twigs.

"Bring him forward," the crone rasped. The assembled delegates of the DNC murmured in awe at the sight of her. "RBG!" one screamed. The woman was torn apart by those standing beside her in a gout of religious ecstasy. The crone watched the lifeblood flow from the holy blasphemer, her rheumy eyes half-lidded with satisfaction, one claw-like hand grasping as if it were she who tore the young flesh.

"I have brought the one who shall be my second, Grandmother," Hillary said, desperate as ever to bring the attention back to her. The crone ignored her until the heart of the dead woman was brought to her. She licked it and shuddered.

"The ritual, Grandmother," Hillary said quietly. "It is almost midnight."

The crone let the heart fall to the loam of the forest floor and began.

"Has he been shriven at The Gate?"

"Yes, Grandmother," whispered the crowd.

"Has he suckled the black milk of Herself?"

"Yes, Grandmother."

"Is he smooth between the legs?"

"Yes, Grandmother."

"Has he whispered to his Mother's secret abortions? Has he waited for The Many-Angled One to take them away?"

"Yes, Grandmother."

"Is he ready to be bled?"

"Yes, Grandmother."

Hillary pulled a cruel and hooked claw of some massive raptor from her blood-dyed robe.

"Your tongue," she demanded. He stuck it out and she pricked it deeply with the needle-sharp point.

The crone let out a dry laugh, like the chittering a thousand insects.

"Your eyes, your nose, your ears, your throat are all mine," she said, lightly puncturing each in turn.

"Your heart," she said. He levered the claw in deeply and tore it away. He grimaced but did not make a sound. As the crone nodded in approval, he smiled, blood running down his chin.

"Arise, Kaine."

The coven began to chant:

"Kaine has been chosen
"Kaine was chosen
'Kaine will be chosen
'Kaine will have been chosen
"Our night is forever"

As she held the bloodied claw to the sky, the many hungry mouths on Hillary's body sang and gnashed and gurgled a symphony of darkness.

Thanks for shitting all over my literary efforts.

"Ah, fuck it. Might as well just be Pence," Donald said. He dropped the microphone and walked off stage.

Selectionous Interruptus

"MAH TITTAYS!" Newt screamed as he rushed toward Chris. He dropped his sword as he lunged and the two of them landed on the dirt floor of the arena, moobs locked in slippery combat.

"You one of them boylovers?" Mike asked Mike as they circled one another. General Flynn laughed and fell forward on his sword, dead from a self-inflicted wound. The crowd cheered and gibbered.

"Good win, Pence," Trump said. "Solid victory. This makes you the leader." Pence roared and held his gauntleted hands in the air in triumph.

"He knows the other guys just killed himself, right? Like, he did nothing at all?" the hair asked.

"You just have to shit all over everything, don't you?" the hat shot back.

"He's running a victory lap around to fat guys struggled to slap each other to death with flab," the hair observed.

"And that's how we are going to make America great again," the hat said dreamily.

The grunting and farting of Newt and Chris filled the arena as Mike stopped gloating. Their labored breathing and half-muttered curses got louder as the crowd quieted.

"Look at them. So disgusting. Get up you two. Fight like men!" Donald yelled through the PA system.

"I like watching men!" Mike screamed. "Fighting. I like watching men fighting!" he corrected himself.

"Pence is so white he's hard to look at," the hat said.

"He looks like the ghost of a mummy that died a second time," the hair agreed.

"Wait, wait," Donald said. "Hold on. Stop fighting. We are suspending the selection process."

"No, the thigh-fuckers are mine! You said I could kill them! You said I could watch them die!" Mike screamed. His erection was bright purple.

"There's been a development," Donald said. "Some pry Moon Base and Governor Fatbridge apart."

"What's going on?" the hair asked.

"Goddamn terrorists," the hat said. "They stepped all over our big moment again."

Auto-de-fé

"Just read the words," Hillary said, spitting out the sibilants like pieces of old skin.

"But I didn't write this. I'm from Brooklyn. We write things for ourselves," Bernie protested. He tried to crumble the endorsement speech but his arthritic hands could barely wrinkle the paper.

"You'll do what we tell you or you won't leave Vermont with a working asshole," her goiter said. Bloody-toothed mouths grown in her clavicles choked out mirthless laughter. A voice from between her rotted breasts whispered, "Sew it close anyway."

"I don't re-re-re-act well to threats, Madam Secretary." She slapped him twice in quick succession, the rough skin of her gnarled hands scraping his face.

"I will only speak to a black officer," Bernie whimpered.

"You want me to call Huma?" she asked him. Orifices all over her body sighed. "Have you ever been double-dipped, Bernie? You won't survive it. There might not even be enough left over to send home to your fat wife."

"Leave her out of this," he said. But his voice betrayed him. He was old and feeble. He shook all over like an inbred chihuahua.

"I'm going to let Bill use her as a tampon," Hillary giggled.

The broken old man began to weep.

Be still my dog of war!

“Who will be my VP?” Donald asked the hushed arena.

“I said WHO WILL BE MY VP?” he screamed into the microphone. The crowd sighed as one but made no other sound.

“Don’t you all rush forward at once,” the hat muttered.

“Don’t get picked up by the microphone,” the hair hissed back. Donald reached up and gently tucked a stiff wing of the hair behind his left ear.

“Nobody? Really? Sad. Just sad, people,” Donald said. He shook his head in disgust. “OK, let them out.”

A large man in a mask and a greasy loincloth on the arena floor threw back a giant bolt on an enormous door and pulled it open slowly.

“Faster, please. C’mon,” Donald scolded. “OK, OK, who is the first one?”

Rough hands pushed an elderly man out into the dusty arena floor, his white hair disheveled, the face on his round pumpkin head red and blotchy. He had a filthy cloth wound around his midsection and he carried a short sword.

“Newt Gingrich, everybody,” Donald said. A dozen or so people clapped with no enthusiasm.

“The crowd loves him,” the hair whispered. The hat chortled.

“OK, the next one,” Donald said.

A fat man covered in sweat was pushed out next. He only had a pull-up diaper on and was armed with a trident and a net. The crowd began to laugh when he threw the weapons down and tried to run back into the door. He was pushed down to the floor of the arena and got back up with his back and legs matted with sweatmud.

“Disgusting,” Donald said. “Chris Christie. Yeah. OK. Don’t clap, then.” A nervous giggle rang out as Chris stumbled while trying to collect his weapons.

“OK, come on. Let’s GO!” Donald said.

Another old white man was pushed out into the actinic glare of the arena lights. He was flabby and nude and made a show of sucking his gut. Foot-long spikes jutted out of leather gauntlets that had been laced up his arm and there was a tight metal collar around his neck. He raised his arms in triumph and there was an effeminate “WOO!” from a lone voice in the crowd.

“Mike Pence!” Donald said. In the thunderous silence that followed a cricket died quietly.

“Mike Pence? Really? Nobody? The governor of Indiana?” Donald held his arms up questioningly. “Indiana. It’s a state. It’s, like, right there in the middle. OK. Whatever.”

“INDIANA! WOO!” Mike screamed. In the agonizing silence that followed he yelled, “Y’all are just a bunch of FAGGOTS!”

“Has he seen what he is wearing?” the hair asked.

“Closet case,” the hat said. “You know, a wide stance.”

“Oh, I get it.”

Donald shook his head like a horse annoyed by flies. “OK, OK. There’s one more. OK, send him out.”

A large, imposing figure walked into the arena, dressed in an armored codpiece and wielding a long sword. The crowd cheered as the door creaked closed behind him.

“Wow. OK. Cheering already,” Donald said. He looked down at his notecards.

“General Michael Flynn. General Flynn. Look at him. Isn’t he just great?”

Flynn swung his sword around and pointed at Newt, Chris and Mike. Mike exclaimed, “My heavens!” and the other two cowered.

“Mike Flynn. Great guy. Love him. Afghanistan. Iraq. Very distinguished. He’s gonna just murder these other three.”

“Are we just doing this so he can just slaughter them?” the hair asked.

“Wait for it…” the hat replied.

Donald squinted at his note cards. “It also says here that he’s pro-choice.”

The crowd booed deafeningly. They threw programs and rotten fruit into the arena. They rushed the fences that kept them in the audience area and began pushing against them, snarling and screaming.

“Poor dumb fucker,” the hair said. “He might as well not even fight.”

Semi-Auto Eroticism

"I've got you on my no-fly list," Dianne slurred, her drink spilling on the floor as she pointed at the erect AR-15.

"You're no good. You're a bad boy." She trailed a finger down the handguard to the ejection port dust cover and then lingered on the shell deflector. She finished her drink and let the empty glass fall to the thick shag carpet of the hotel room.

"You always feel bigger than .223 when I have you inside me," she whispered then licked the ridged nubbin of the magazine release frantically. She ran a thumb over the front iron sight post and groaned.

"You're my weapon of choice. I want you to declare jihad on my pussy." Dianne grabbed up the assault-style military-type autodeath rifle and ran her dry face lips over the cold muzzle brake as she applied exquisite pressure to the rear takedown pin.

"Oh, you like that? You like it in the rear pin? You soldier boys are all the same." She rammed the buttstock buffer tube into her pubic mound and jerked the rifle in a rough up and down, the charging handle battering her pleasure raisin. She suckled the barrel gently and probed every accessory rail mounting hole with a moistened pinkie.

There was a soft knock on her hotel room door that broke her reverie.

"What?" she screamed.

"Ith thyme thoo vo-tib," Nancy said through the door.

"Goddamit! I was almost there!"

“Memories and possibilities are even more hideous than realities.”

“Thank you for meeting with me,” Hillary said. It was loud enough for the staffers and reporters in the hallway to hear before she shut the door.

“No problem, no problem,” he said. Bernie feebly made his way to an overstuffed chair and lowered himself painfully into it. “The campaign trail. Young people hug too strong these days. Back when I was growing up in Brooklyn we were tough but we knew how to hug! The old Brooklyn hug we’d used to say. It was elegant, dammit. And it never hurt.”

Hillary played with the panel near the door. Powerful bolts thunked close inside the door and frame and three loud beeps sounded.

“Shut up, fuckhead,” she told him. “I’ve turned off the recorders and soundproofed the roof.”

“Excellent! I already have an erection. There’s a button between my dangler and my nutsack.”

“We’re not here for that,” she said.

“What? I wasted a charge then. You know they have to reload through my ass? My ASS!”

Hillary slapped him.

“Pay attention. I am speaking. I have spoken!” she screamed.

“So we’re done here?” Bernie started to get up and she pushed him back down.

“What?” he asked. “You said you had spoken. Past tense. Why do I talk like an old vaudeville routine?”

“Shut up, Jew,” Hillary’s goiter rasped.

“Who said that?”

“I did,” the goiter said.

“Hillary? Your neck is talking to me. Hello? Can someone bring me a Fresca?”

“Fuck your Fresca and fuck you,” the goiter said. “You didn’t drop out when you were told and now we have to run an actual campaign.”

“Can I touch it?” he asked.

“No,” Hillary and the goiter said at the same time.

“What it is?” he asked.

“It’s my only child, Bernie. I made her,” Hillary whispered.

“What about Chelsea?” he asked.

“That ugly thing? She was made from the filth Webb left in me. Left in me, like a floater in a guest bathroom toilet. This is my true child.” She stroked the bulge on the side of her larynx. It purred with contented delight.

“I still have an erection,” he said.

“You will support us, Jew,” the goiter said. Hillary began to unbutton her $12,000 housecoat.

“Whatever you say, uh, ma’am,” he stammered.

Hillary lifted a ponderous breast and Bernie saw a dark patch of skin and hair and wetness. As she pulled her heavily-veined teat high, the dark skin split, revealing lips.

“I grew it for you, Bernie. Black Vaginas Matter.”

Magic Sauce

“There ain’t no subject I can’t spread my magic sauce all over,” Donald said, idly swirling a finger in his anus while reading Twitter on the toilet. He grunted, piggish and low, while the hat watched impassively from his perch on the bathroom faucet.

“Don’t call it that, Donald,” said his hair. “What if you called it that in public?”

“No one cares what I say, they’ll all cheer whatever it is,” he snarled.

“Good observation,” the hat said. “You’re really catching on, Donald.”

“Some bitch called me a bitch on Bitch Twitter and some darkie called me a racist on Black Twitter and some wetback called me a Mexiphobe on Undocumented Twitter and some little twink called me a self-hating self-tanner victim on Fag Twitter. I’m going to destroy them all!” Donald screamed.

“Isn’t all of Twitter just Fag Twitter?” the hat asked philosophically.

The hair laughed despite himself. “Stop it. Some of our country’s finest GOP politicians and their hairpieces have been homosexuals.”

“You would know,” the hat grumbled.

“Like you don’t have an adjustable strap in the back.”

“Would you two shut up? I’m trying to make my magic sauce!”

“Donald…” the hair began.

“Out! I want both of you out!” He snatched the hat off the faucet and lumbered toward the bathroom door.

“Oh, god. He’s touching me with the finger that was in his ass,” the hat moaned.

“Donald, wait. It doesn’t have to go down like this, man,” the hair said.

Donald awkwardly opened the bathroom door with his ass play hand and threw the poopy hat into the hotel room filled with advisors waiting for him. His tiny, startled penis had forgotten they were there.

“Take this too,” he yelled at them, ripping the hairpiece away.

“Not the shit finger!” the hair gasped.

Donald slammed the door and retreated to his porcelain turd dungeon to Twitter forevermore.

Thumb-puppet of hate

“I expect a concession speech tonight, Bernie,” Hillary rasped, her throat as dry as a turtle’s asshole. “I have the Superdelegates, you crusty old fuck. You cannot withstand their power.”

“I’m from the Brooklyn. I am tough. You do not control the Bernie Rev-rev-revolution!” the old man stuttered. The wheeze in his breath sounded like the rustle of beetle wings. She loved listening to him die on the phone.

She stroked its bulging mass and smiled.

“I’m rubbing maple syrup all over my pussies, Bernie. New Hampshire maple syrup,” she said.

“No! You witch!” You’ll feel the Bern for this!”

“Now I’m opening a bottle of Canadian maple syrup.”

“You wouldn’t! You wouldn’t dare!”

“Tariff-free. Bernie. Tariff-free syrup. Hmm. Free trade feels so good on my pornucopia of back-up labias.” Hillary held the phone away as she and the goiter chortled.

“I WILL DESTROY YOU AT THE CONVENTION!” Bernie screamed, but it was tinny and far away on the phone's tiny speaker.

“No you won’t, Bernie,” she said, drawing the phone back. “I’m taking away the millennials. The Tumblristas are mine. All your little college lackeys and dick-drunk bros are mine. I’ll call them sexist if they stay home.”

“It won’t work. They are mine, you dried up old hag. I am the youth movement!” He was so agitated his jowls made a flapping sound as they shook with rage.

“They are going to vote vagina now. AND I HAVE ALL THE VAGINAS!”

She let the goiter laugh into the phone for a long moment before she hung up on his raving and tucked Convenience Phone #17 into her wetly pulsated gunt pouch.