SugarFree

“No comment!” the hair screamed at the reporters pursuing him to Marine One. “No comment, you vultures!” he screamed but no one could hear...

"Have you heard about this groundhog?" Donald asked the crowd of carefully chosen people. "Have you heard about this dirtpig ...

“Inauguration,” Donald grumbled, “That’s a dumb word.” “In means the formal ceremony for the beginning of something, especially a time ...

“Why can’t I have two First Ladies?” Donald moaned, locked in the President’s Shitter. It was just the bathroom in his Trump Tower office, b...

“OK, what do you want to tweet next?” the hair asked the hat, his nimble tendrils poised over the keys of Donald’s cellphone. “Well, let’s...

“It’s good to be back home,” the hair said. “I guess. I already miss being out on the road, though,” the hat said. “Not me. I’m sick of ...

“I’M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, MOTHERFUCKAS!” the hat screamed. Melania slapped the pocket he was folded up in on the outside of D...

“Stay on point, Donald,” the hat whispered, “Stay on point.” “Stay on point, Donald,” Donald told the crowd, “Stay on point.” “No, you i...

“It’s been a rough week, guys,” Donald said cradling his hair and his hat in wet lap. “Fucking Billy Bush. He told me to say those things....

As Donald—locked in the bathroom of his hotel—tweeted and shat and shat and tweeted, his hat and hair—nearly fused into a single mass from m...

"You did a terrible job, Donald," the hair hissed in his ear as reporters thrust microphones at him like a phalanx of angry foam p...

"He touched me," the hair growled. "The little SNL faggot touched me with his gayAIDS hands." "So what? One of my...

“I’ve been waiting all day for this, you filthy son of a bitch!” the hat growled. Across the littered hotel floor, the other hat rasped ...

“Bring me a fresh young slut,” Donald rumbled, his short thick fingers grooming his stiff and wiry chest hair idly. “We’ve run out, sir,...

"Them gottdamn spics are after us!" the hat screamed. "Why are you talking like that?" the hair asked. "Talkin...

"Ah, fuck it. Might as well just be Pence," Donald said. He dropped the microphone and walked off stage.

"MAH TITTAYS!" Newt screamed as he rushed toward Chris. He dropped his sword as he lunged and the two of them landed on the dirt f...

“Who will be my VP?” Donald asked the hushed arena. “I said WHO WILL BE MY VP?” he screamed into the microphone. The crowd sighed as one b...

“There ain’t no subject I can’t spread my magic sauce all over,” Donald said , idly swirling a finger in his anus while reading Twitter on t...

“Oh, Vladdy… You’re the only man I let make me a woman,” Donald said, backing up on all fours like a ponderous meat truck. “Beep, beep,...