SugarFree

“No comment!” the hair screamed at the reporters pursuing him to Marine One. “No comment, you vultures!” he screamed but no one could hear...

"Have you heard about this groundhog?" Donald asked the crowd of carefully chosen people. "Have you heard about this dirtpig ...

“Inauguration,” Donald grumbled, “That’s a dumb word.” “In means the formal ceremony for the beginning of something, especially a time ...

"I don't know if I can go, Huma," Hillary whispered hoarsely. Huma looked up from Hillary's squalid crotch and gently sp...

“Why can’t I have two First Ladies?” Donald moaned, locked in the President’s Shitter. It was just the bathroom in his Trump Tower office, b...

The hat enjoyed being peed on but the hair did not. Donald watched them both--one happy, one upset--as the four Russian girls squatted to ...

“OK, what do you want to tweet next?” the hair asked the hat, his nimble tendrils poised over the keys of Donald’s cellphone. “Well, let’s...

"You were so brave to speak at the Children's Defense Fund without make-up, my desert flower," Huma whispered. "Harder,...

“It’s good to be back home,” the hair said. “I guess. I already miss being out on the road, though,” the hat said. “Not me. I’m sick of ...

“But your supporters want to speak to you,” Mook mumbled as Hillary was rushed out of her concession speech. “Huma,” Hillary said weakly a...

“I’M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, MOTHERFUCKAS!” the hat screamed. Melania slapped the pocket he was folded up in on the outside of D...

The door to Hillary's inner sanctum burst open, her inert bulk strapped to a gurney. "Oh, Allah! Save her! Save my love!"...

"You will sign the letter, James," Hillary told him. The room was dark and he could barely see her. He was standing in something w...

“Stay on point, Donald,” the hat whispered, “Stay on point.” “Stay on point, Donald,” Donald told the crowd, “Stay on point.” “No, you i...

"If I never see another Weiner again I'll die a happy woman," Hillary hissed. "You will never die, my love," Huma ...

Champagne flowed over Hillary's nude and glistening body as she cackled in delight, bloated on her dais. "Third debate, motherfuc...

"The fact is that in this election, we have a candidate for President of the United States who, over the course of his lifetime and the...

“It’s been a rough week, guys,” Donald said cradling his hair and his hat in wet lap. “Fucking Billy Bush. He told me to say those things....

As Donald—locked in the bathroom of his hotel—tweeted and shat and shat and tweeted, his hat and hair—nearly fused into a single mass from m...

Huma and the enormous mute eunuch helped Hillary onto the low dais. The Clinton spin room was warm and humid and dark. "I'm cold,...

"You did a terrible job, Donald," the hair hissed in his ear as reporters thrust microphones at him like a phalanx of angry foam p...

“You will crush him. You will destroy him. You will make him a laughingstock,” Huma said into the mirror. “I will crush him. I will destro...

"He touched me," the hair growled. "The little SNL faggot touched me with his gayAIDS hands." "So what? One of my...

“I am getting worried, my love,” Huma whispered. “The coughing. The video. People are starting to notice.” “I am The Gateway,” Hillary cro...

“I’ve been waiting all day for this, you filthy son of a bitch!” the hat growled. Across the littered hotel floor, the other hat rasped ...

“You didn’t need him any longer, Huma,” Hillary said. “He had fulfilled his purpose in giving us The Vessel.” “I know, Mother. I just thou...

“Bring me a fresh young slut,” Donald rumbled, his short thick fingers grooming his stiff and wiry chest hair idly. “We’ve run out, sir,...

"Them gottdamn spics are after us!" the hat screamed. "Why are you talking like that?" the hair asked. "Talkin&...

“There is another matter, Grandmother. A traitor in our ranks,” Hillary said. The crone sniffed the air and smiled. “Bring it to me,” sh...

"Grandmother! I have brought him for your blessing!" Hillary cried into the hushed night of the deep forest, addressing a withered...

"Ah, fuck it. Might as well just be Pence," Donald said. He dropped the microphone and walked off stage.

"MAH TITTAYS!" Newt screamed as he rushed toward Chris. He dropped his sword as he lunged and the two of them landed on the dirt f...

"Just read the words," Hillary said, spitting out the sibilants like pieces of old skin. "But I didn't write this. I...

“Who will be my VP?” Donald asked the hushed arena. “I said WHO WILL BE MY VP?” he screamed into the microphone. The crowd sighed as one b...

"I've got you on my no-fly list," Dianne slurred, her drink spilling on the floor as she pointed at the erect AR-15. "Y...

“Thank you for meeting with me,” Hillary said. It was loud enough for the staffers and reporters in the hallway to hear before she shut the ...

“There ain’t no subject I can’t spread my magic sauce all over,” Donald said , idly swirling a finger in his anus while reading Twitter on t...

“I expect a concession speech tonight, Bernie,” Hillary rasped, her throat as dry as a turtle’s asshole. “I have the Superdelegates, you cr...